


Nightmares

by SkullPeonia



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Brotherly Angst, Canon Compliant, Gen, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, POV Thor (Marvel), Pre-Avengers (2012), Pre-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Self-Doubt, Unreliable Narrator, the rape is just a nightmare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-06-13 16:57:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15369126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkullPeonia/pseuds/SkullPeonia
Summary: During the last three days before the events of the Avengers, Thor is suffering from anxiety and nightmares caused by the loss of his brother.





	1. Chapter 1

Thor was laying on top of his brother, younger looking with raven-black short hair pulled back, both completely naked, kissing him passionately and thrusting his hips delicately. Thor had no idea how did it come to this, he had no memory of anything that happened before. How did they got there or what could have happened to lead to this situation. But in Thor's current state of mind it was beyond him to comprehend and judge the reality of touching his little brother in such ways. 

Thor was running his hands all over Loki's body before resting them on Loki's hips. All the while Loki was squirming and moaning in pleasure, his eyes closed and a wide smile plastered across his face. Thor was feeling the pleasure building up inside him but then something drastically changed in the atmosphere. 

Just at it occurred to Thor how wrong this was Loki's smile turned into a grimace. His entire body tensed and he started making retreating movements. To Thor's shock, despite every single part of his being wanting to withdraw he only thrust harder. To that Loki's body started reacting more violently, trying to fight back. But no matter how much he tried he didn't have the strength to overpower Thor. The panic in his face becoming more apparent, his hands and legs writhing more chaotically while trying to push Thor off. The anguish in his brother's face was causing Thor physical pain and made it hard for him to breathe but it didn't make him stop. In fact he only thrust faster and harder.

"Thor," Loki choked "please...stop." as tears started pouring down his cheeks.

After the last couple of feeble attempts at pushing Thor off, with his face full of despair, Loki's attempts at fighting back gave way and then ceased only to be replaced by open sobbing and stifled screams.

Thor woke up in cold sweat. His heart was beating so fast he thought it's going to burst in a moment or he's going to pass out. He was swallowing air, but it still didn't help to calm him down. He wanted to get out of his bed but though better of it since he'd probably just collapse or get sick.

It was the dead of night and Thor was sitting on top of his bed in his chambers with no living soul around.

After a moment Thor calmed down a little, understanding that it was all just a nightmare and buried his face in his hands. The stillness and silence around him helping him shake off the terrible images that were still stuck in his mind.

*************

"Thor" his mother looked at him with a deep concern in her eyes "Are you all right?"

"Yes mother."

"You're sure? You look terrible." At that Odin glanced briefly up from his meal at Thor but didn't say anything.

They were sitting at a table, eating dinner the next day. Thor was pale in the face and probably looked more distraught than he wished.

"You know you can tell me anything." she said softly. The table was long with many different dishes decorating its surface. Odin was sitting at the top of the table while Frigga was on the other end.

"I know mother." he glanced at the empty chair opposite himself. It was never touched or removed since the day Bifrost was destroyed.

*************

Thor was in a place he didn't recognize, despite trying to look around for clues, he couldn't make out any details of his surroundings. Thor thought he heard water but couldn't place where the sound came from. The younger version of his brother, dressed in his ceremonial armor, was standing in front of him. He was a corpse, the whites of his eyes the color yellow with flesh rotting off of him. He was moving his lips, and a lot, actually, as if he was saying something but no voice came out. He had this determined look in his eyes tinged with slight irritation at his older brother's lack of brains. The way he always had whenever he tried to explain something to Thor that he thought was obvious. It continued like this for what felt like hours, Loki speaking but Thor not being able to hear any of it, until he finally woke up.

*************

Thor had no idea what to make of this. The first nightmare was still just a dream, no matter how terrifying. This made it the second night in a row and Thor wondered what could have triggered this. He went about his daily routine trying to ignore the dreams. Going through everything that had happened again would gain nothing. It would not bring Loki back to life. It would just be picking at still fresh wounds.

These days just walking around the palace was painful for Thor; it brought back too many memories. At some point during the day he went past the palace anteroom that leads to the throne room. It made him smile weakly for just a second. This was one of his last happy memories with Loki before everything changed, less than a day later. Thor remembered them teasing each other and laughing about it; back then things seemed so much simpler and innocent.

When Loki sent the Destroyer Thor's initial thought was that he must have wronged Loki somehow to deserve his hatred, despite how dreadful of a thought it was. However the reveal of Loki's true parentage explained all of Loki's imbalance and destructiveness. It didn't make things better but it did quiet a sense of guilt inside Thor that in fact he never mistreated Loki unintentionally and that all their past together were indeed happy moments for Loki.

*************

Thor was in a middle of a feast. He remembered that one, this was after the Battle of Harokin. He was recounting his brave achievements in battle with a wide smile on his face and a beer in his hand to a drunk and loudly cheering audience. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Loki standing some distance away, leaning against a pillar. Just like it had happed in real life. But then something about Loki caught Thor's attention and he frowned in confusion. Even across the distance Thor could see the intense stare Loki was giving him. That was off. He didn't remember that happening. Thor looked down to his plate to take another bite out of his roast, but when he did he saw that it was not a roast but slices of raw, vibrant red meat. When he looked back up the entire huge dining hall was empty and dead silent. Everything was dark apart from the yellowish light that came down from the single chandelier above his head which illuminated only his immediate surroundings. Sitting opposite him was Loki with his cheek resting against his hand. His sleeve was rolled up and Thor could see chunks of meat missing from his forearm. His eyes still piercing him unblinkingly with that intense and disturbingly tranquil stare.

Thor woke up, panting heavily, and immediately got out of bed. He did not go back to sleep that night; instead he stood on the balcony watching Asgard at night waiting for sunrise.

But before it came a guard came barging into his chamber.

"My Prince, the All-father requests your presence immediately. It is about Prince Loki." the guard said panting, his voice full of concern.

Thor wasted no time; this coupled with the nightmares, it worried him. Could there be some kind of meaning to his dreams? Or were they just a result of a tired and troubled mind? He wouldn't know for sure what was happening until he reached Odin and so he quickened his pace.

****************

Thor was hurrying now alongside Odin and Heimdall to the edge of the broken Rainbow Bridge. Loki was alive and trying to invade Midgard. Without the Bifrost Asgard's options were limited; that didn't mean they were going to do nothing. Midgard's sovereignty being threatened was a priority, however as Heimdall was summoning his dark magic to transport Thor to Earth there was a thousand yard stare on his father's face like he was trying to see Loki across the galaxy, his eyes wet. Helping Midgard was of utmost importance and a responsibility of Asgard but it was still mainly motivated by personal reasons for all involved. Thor was going down there to get his brother and bring him home. After a year Thor is back here again where he thought he lost Loki forever. Bitter and angry tears filled his eyes; an entire year of numb pain and sleepless nights all the while Loki was alive, out there somewhere, organizing an army to attack one of The Nine Realms, the one under Thor's protection, just to spite him. During the entire year he allowed them to believe he was dead and suffer. He didn't come back, he didn't contact them, instead he's waging war. It made Thor so upset and angry, though he wasn't sure whether with Loki or himself.

It didn't matter anymore; Thor was going to find him and the Tesseract and reason all of Loki's imaginings out of his head and bring him back home. There was no other possibility inside Thor's head. The last thing Thor saw was a peaceful, starry night sky above them, just like that fateful night, before a whirl of color swallowed him.


	2. Chapter 2

"But, it's a trick!" rung a drunk voice, like an echo.

"Oh, no. It's much more than that." this voice resounded clearer.

"Uh, Whosoever be he worthy shall haveth the power! Whatever man! It's a trick."

" Well please, be my guest." his voice said.

A beat of silence.

"Come on." Stark coaxed.

" Really?" Barton exclaimed, getting up from the floor and walking around the table with the sound of laughter around him.

"Oh this is gonna be beautiful." Rhodey's voice sounded from somewhere far away.

"Clint, you've had a tough week, we won't hold it against you if you can't get it up." Stark teased and the laughter upped.

"You know I've seen this before, right?" Barton pointedly asked Thor. He proceeded with several attempts at lifting Mjolnir as it rested on the table until with an embarrassed laugh he gave up.

"I still don't know how you do it."

"Smell the silent judgment?"

"Please, Stark, by all means." 

Stark got up.

"Never one to shrink from an honest challenge. It's physics. Right, so, if I lift it, I...I then rule Asgard?"

"Yes, of course."

"I will be re-instituting Prima Nocta."

With that Stark pulled at the hammer but it didn't move.

"I'll be right back."

He tried it again with his armor covering his hand, and then again along with Rhodey and the hammer still hadn't budged.  
Next was Banner's turn and he became yet another Avenger who found himself unworthy.  
" Let's go, Steve, no pressure." Stark said as Rogers got up to try.  
"Come on, Cap."

Rogers tried lifting the hammer and for a second it seemed like it moved an inch. However even the legendary/noble Captain America couldn't do it. 

"Nothing." Thor said.

"Widow?" Banner asked.

" Oh, no no. That's not a question I need answered."

"All deference to the man who wouldn't be king, but it's rigged." Stark concluded.

"You bet your ass." Barton agreed.

" The handle's imprinted, right? Like a security code. "Whosoever is carrying Thor's fingerprints" is, I think, the literal translation?"

" Yes, well that's, uh, that's a very, very interesting theory. I have a simpler one. You're all not worthy."

Thor went for Mjolnir's handle about to lift it but then... it wouldn't budge. Thor's smile dropped and a wave of shock went through him. It seemed like temperature in the room dropped several degrees.

And then a loud screeching noise attracted Thor's attention.

At the opposite side of the room, emerging from the shadows was a corpse of a machine.

" Wooooorthyyyyy.......... No..... How could you be worthy? You're all killers."

Thor woke up with a start.

It was freezing cold all around him. The nights of Alfheim were unforgiving.

Thor sat up in his blankets and tried wrapping himself up in them more tightly.

He's been on this lone trip for far too long it would seem and yet he did not have the sense that he achieved anything. He's been roaming around for years now looking for Infinity Stones however his attempts were fruitless. No leads so far, just walking in circles. 

Lately he started having troubling dreams of fire and destruction. When he wakes up he can hardly remember anything but agonized screams and a feeling of overwhelming panic.

The dreams have been getting more and more clearer and Thor was able to make out some details. Ever since the night he woke up with the realization that it was Ragnarok he was dreaming of and that the one in center of it all was none other than Surtur, the King of Muspelheim, he's been making his way to the nearest port/passage in Alfheim to travel off world.

He still had a long way ahead of him however and his disrupted sleep was not helping him reach his destination faster. He lay back down on the ground, closed his eyes and tried to make himself fall asleep. Doing so and attempting to ignore his troubled thoughts unfortunately proved to be tiring more than anything else.

After another half an hour of trying to fall asleep Thor gave up and started getting up. It was pointless trying to rest in this weather and his dreams would most likely not provide the escape he wanted. 

He dressed up quickly and proceeded to pack his camp. While collecting his things he managed to find a comb. Personal care was not a privilege he could afford to spend much time on. Travelling alone, he did not have his friends to watch his back or to carry their belongings with him.

So he brushed through his hair hastily and unintentionally tore the braid behind his ear. The sensation felt like a string of muscle being pulled from his heart. He let go of the comb and fiddled with his fingers to sense the damage he had done. His silent breaths steady, he carefully unbraided his hair. The strands of black hair he disentangled were strangely heavy in his hands. Thor run his thumb over the silky hair and felt his eyes watering; that was all he had left of Loki.

The powerful winds of Svartalfheim were unrelenting that day. Thor was in a hurry, Malekith just took possession of the Aether and was going to use its power to bring about eternal darkness. Thor needed to save the day, he needed to take care of Jane and the oncoming hurricane was forcing them to move quickly.

All Thor had time for was to take a single strand of hair from Loki, something he absolutely needed to do first despite everything that was going on around him. He needed that piece of Loki to stay forever with him.

Thor asked his father later about retrieving the body only to find out that the search already came to an end. Their soldiers after looking through all of Svartalfheim came back with empty hands. Further search for the body was not possible, his father said, for it would only needlessly put their men in danger.

Thor straightened the curl, put the tip of the strand up to the roots of his own hair and proceeded to entangle them. His thoughts flashed back to the first time he did that.

In the moments immediately following Loki's death Thor still could not accept what had happened. He could not process it; it all happened too fast. No sooner did he manage to find some common ground to communicate with Loki, no sooner did Loki reconcile with him and wanted to make amends than his demise came and Thor lost him forever. Loki's last words still circulated in his brain.

"I'm a fool. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Thor felt like he should have been the one to say those words.

Thor's braid reached the end of his hair and he pinned it together with Loki's.

And now that Thor thought of that in this regard, it made Loki no worse than him. 

In the end Loki acknowledged his mistake and apologized for it. Just like Thor eventually learned the error of his ways thanks to his human friends. Loki too redeemed himself just like Thor did and died a hero. So what was really the difference between him and Loki? They both thought they were doing the right thing, or at least that their actions were justified.

"I'll hunt the monsters down and slay them all."

"You were made to be ruled."

And slowly a realization dawned on Thor.

"You are coming with me..."

"Yes, of course! I won't let my brother march into Jotunheim alone."

That day, behind his back, Loki tried warning Odin and putting a stop to Thor's misguided plan. However he still supported Thor even when he didn't agree with him. Which is more than Thor can say for himself in terms of how he treated Loki on Midgard. It seems Loki was a better brother to him than the other way around.

The revelation planted seeds of doubt in Thor's mind. Was he really the good person he thought he was or was he still doing bad deeds without realizing it?

Such thoughts really darkened Thor's mood. But at the same time Thor was in no position to allow his self-doubt to get in the way of his mission. The Infinity Stones were out there and so were possible weapons to bring about Ragnarok. His vision in the Water of Sight and his dreams were no coincidence. Thor couldn't just ignore them because of his insecurities. He's already lost enough and he wasn't going to let anyone else down.

Thor believed he was over the stage in his life when he needed to prove his worthiness, he thought bitterly. Apparently proving your worthiness never ends; such a notion seemed right to Thor.

By this point Thor was done packing. He hung his rucksack on his shoulder and set off on his tedious trek.

He still had a long way to his destination, with many obstacles and hardships. As he forced himself to put one foot in front of the other he decided he had to succeed in this mission, no matter the danger. That's what heroes do, Thor thought and an outline of a plan begun to form in his head. It was a bold and risky plan but the more Thor thought about it the more non-substitutable it seemed.

After all sometimes one has to get captured just to get a straight answer out of somebody.


	3. Chapter 3

"Is it him? Is that the first son of Odin?"

"Heimdall, your eyes?!"

"Oh, they see everything. They see you leading us to Hel."

"I can still save you."

"We are all dead. Can you not see? Wake up!"

He opened his eyes.

He's not sleeping anymore, he's just seeing images when he closes his eyes. Terrible, gruesome images; his memories. All of his regrets and mistakes ,they become distorted and they are unwanted but they haunt him nevertheless. He's on his way to Thanos. The road ahead of him is very straightforward; the way he likes it best. No complications, no need to think it through, there is only the unbridled rage and the actions that will follow. Nowadays Thor wishes he could just turn off his mind and soul. He doesn't need them to complete his task. They are nothing but a burden to him.

Thor closed his eyes.

Bright lights and images were flashing outside the window.

"I thought the world of you. I thought we were gonna fight side by side forever."

"You're incapable of sincerity." a younger Thor standing at his side replied.

Thor's eyes flew open.

He was in the small escape pod of the guardians' ship.

Not far behind him he could hear pressing of buttons and sounds coming from the video game Groot was playing. Rocket was going through his things and tinkering with them, occasionally cursing under his breath.

Thor took in the details of the dirty windowpane and metal walls in front of him. The reality was an escape from his painful stings of conscience; it calmed him. Somehow he felt no fear of what lay ahead of him, only terrible dread of his regrets catching up to him.

And it was that which held him awake despite his energy slowly draining out of him hour by hour.

Only at times he would get to hear waves crashing on the shore; the familiar, peaceful hum of the water. If he were not suffering from delusions he would have hoped it was his family calling to him.

Thor's eyes closed again.

Darkness.

An endless void spread before him. A brother was being pulled into it.

A mouth opened and said "you really are the worst, brother."

And the brother let go.

Thor's eyes opened and his ears were flooded with the ship's noises. His eyes however were still looking at the vast emptiness of space, very much like the one he just saw in his mind's eye. Thor throttled the unnerving feeling building up inside of him.

He looked away from the window and moved past the other two without looking at them.

"Hey, you sure you're all right?"

Thor turned to face Rocket, who was looking at him up from his tool box, hands filled with machinery. He could see Groot slumped in his chair behind Rocket, captivated with his game and not paying them any attention.

"Yes, of course. Maybe a little tired, I'm sure all the hallucinations are harmless, but always ready." Thor accompanied the statement with a wide and a sincere enough looking smile.

"Right" Rocket said slowly not buying it, trying to decide whether it's worth pressing the issue.

He looked back down at his parts.

"So I guess we just wait until we get there. Maybe you should take the time to rest then."

"Oh no really I'm fine."

"Well, I don't know, I realize that you've been through some stuff and I do think it would do good for you hallu-"

"I'm good, really." Thor said emphatically. Rocket took a few seconds to decide on a response.

"Okey, take the helm then."

Thor nodded at the idea; he needed a distraction.

He walked up to the captains chair, past Groot who still would not look up from his game.

Settling himself in the captain's chair he looked over the controls trying to make sure he can figure out how this one works and monitor their trajectory. As he was having problems with one of the features a voice in his head said

Just press it, gently.

Thor blinked.

"But, it's a trick!" slurred Barton.

"Oh, no. It's much more than that." Thor protested.

"Some do battle, others just do tricks." said a younger looking Thor sitting next to Barton.

Thor blinked again and he was back at the cockpit.

Loki was always a better pilot than he himself was, Thor reflected sadly. That of course never matter to him as it was not a very noteworthy skill to have. Not until he himself gained the ability to fly thanks to his hammer, at which point Loki's superior piloting skills became negligible.

I'm gonna do my best, Thor answered the voice.

Tears welled up in his eyes, obscuring his vision and for a second he lost sight of the cockpit.

Loki.

At the front of an oncoming army, speaking to the people he was about to conquer.

"Hear me, and rejoice. You were made to be ruled, in the end you will always kneel. You may think this is suffering. No. It is salvation. Freedom is life's great lie. Once you accept that, in your heart... You will know peace."

Thor balled his fists around the joystick.

His mind was going through all the possibilities despite how much he didn't want the answers anymore. All the connections between Thanos and The Children of Thanos and Loki that he never noticed before. Each one worse than the previous. How could he have been so stupid. He never even registered when he started just taking for granted that Loki is up to no good instead of assuming the best of him and instead trying to find a fault in himself.

By this point his knuckles have turned white.

Suddenly, the ship jolted violently to one side as if hit with an asteroid or a missile. All the lights went out and only the control panel and the red alarm lights were blinking. All the contents of the pod fell from its place and scattered all around the floor. Thor was grappling with the joystick trying to regain control over the pod. He turned his head around as much as he could, trying to see if Rocket and Groot were alright but there was no one there.

"Rabbit! Tree?!"

No response.

Thor turned back around only to see a craft heading straight into their ship.  
The impact made Thor fly from his chair into the other side of the pod. When the shaking and the destruction subsided Thor made movements to get up. He lifted his head up from under his arms.

There was rubble all around, flashing violet and blue lights.

Loki, with the Chitauri Scepter, was standing right next to him and holding it to Thor's head.

"The Tesseract, or your brother's head. I assume you have a preference."

Across from them there was another, older looking Loki.

"Oh, I do." he said "Kill him away."

Then a Loki turned to a control panel outside of a glass cell which Thor suddenly found himself in.

"I assure you, brother. The sun will shine on us again." he said with a crazed smile and gave Thor one last look before pressing a button. It seemed the ground gave way underneath him and the next thing Thor saw was blinding light all around him. 

And then Thor opened his eyes.

He was back at the helm, his fists were clenched so tightly around the joystick it hurt. Thor had the joystick tilted to one side which made the ship advance moderately fast in that direction. The moment Thor realized that he straightened it and corrected their flight course.

Rocket didn't miss that the ship was flying completely to one side for just a second and looked up from his work and eyed the distressed Thor to make sure he's not losing it. Not far from him Groot looked up from his game for the first time, worry and apprehension in his eyes.

Thor gave the both of them a small nod and a weak smile before bringing his attention back to steering.

As Thor was blinking away the wet in his eyes...

"You're my brother and my friend. Sometimes I'm envious, but never doubt that I love you."

Thor lifted his hand to cradle Loki's neck.

"Love." Thor said mockingly "You should choose your words more carefully." and with that he tightened his grip.

Thor stared into the emptiness spreading out in front of him. 

The cold, controlled fury that's been present deep inside him since the events on the Statesman bubbled up to the surface. Less than a day ago, despite all that happened to them, Thor felt like he had everything he needed and that everything would work out fine.

Thanos took it all away.

Thor was going to make him pay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
